lundi 14 janvier 2008

thanks to Nayo for the slap in the face

No, no, no. Nayo did not really slap me in the face literally. It was more of a figurative slap in the face with truth. A truth slap. Everyone needs one of those once in a while, and I got my dose tonight.

Had coffee with Nayo, and it somehow came to her telling me to try harder. She went off on this passionate tirade, it was like watching fireworks it was so beautiful. I love it when people go off like this. It's a once in a year kind of deal to witness this stuff. I kept questioning her, and she'd quickly retort back shooting down my hopes to get out of this unscathed, without learning something of importance, without finding the real truth. She alluded to people we knew, me, my blog. She had this storehouse of this past year's memories, of everything she had observed and witnessed, and she came to a simple logical solution that's easier said than done: Try harder. Don't look back on this and find that you didn't get what you wanted. And I said, But what if I got something that I didn't know I wanted out of this? I got something I didn't expect.

We crossed the street. Was this when the fireworks ended?

I wanted to look for answers. For excuses. Why wasn't I studying hard enough? Why did I not care? I didn't want to find that..After it's all said and done, I didn't want to find that it was my fault. But it was. It is.

And the thing is, I don't want to give up. I don't want to fail. I want to get the French degree. I want that shit on my resumé. But I thought I could let it happen, let it all slip away and fall into oblivion, because I found things to blame, other places to point my finger that did not connect back to me. But I should only blame myself for not trying harder.

So, thanks for the slap, you bitch. It hurt but I really needed it.