the nun leader

I will never forget the image of an old French lady in her bathrobe and fuzzy slippers smoking a cigarette while inviting me to sit down on her couch. This kind of stuff happens in movies. I wondered if God was laughing, at that moment.

Went to my friend Elly's place to watch a movie for our class on Saturday. She's American and lives with an old French lady and a Korean American girl, Hannah, who was adopted by an American military couple who live and teach in Germany. Hannah's in culinary school in Paris. This girl speaks fluent German too. Cool stuff. Watched Le Peril Jeune and ate Estonian chocolate and gingerbread made by Maris, an Erasmus student from Estonia who's also in our class. Very cool girl. The gingerbread and chocolate was delicious. Maris brought her favorite chocolate to share which was white chocolate with biscuits and strawberries in them. Yum.

Had dinner with a large group of friends/acquaintances at Gare du Nord area. I sat at the very end of the table, and when it came time to order, the waitress was way over on the other side. And I didn't want to speak loudly in French for some reason while everyone's eyes were on me, and we had three French kids with us too. I don't know why, but I was incredibly shy about yelling my order while everyone was looking at me. Thank God Thibault, a French Epitech student heard my order and shouted it for me.

I hate it when all eyes are on me or being the center of attention. There's only one case when I don't mind it. The only time I feel comfortable, in control, and able to perform when others are watching is when I'm directing or behind the camera. It sounds weird, but that's the only time I feel okay being the leader. I remember my first project for film production class. Our TAs, who were really hot by the way and smart and awesome, made all the girls group leaders. I thought that was so cool of them to do that since there were about 4 girls in a class of 18. And when we went to film, I was running the camera and giving direction. All the guys were listening to me, giving me feedback, telling me what was working and what wasn't, and it was all going down swimmingly. We roll the take and then we cut, and behind me, that whole time, my awesome TAs were standing watching me for like 5 minutes without me knowing because I was in the zone. And they came up to me and said, "Great job. Doesn't look like you need any help." And they left. That's when I knew. I could be a leader.

Kind of felt awkward at one point in conversation because I didn't know what this "creative euphemism" meant, and someone said, "Are you serious? You know what it means". And I really didn't, and I wanted to bring up that I went to Catholic schools all my life and was a good kid, but it really didn't matter, whatever. And then I recalled my aunt telling me when I was driving her down to LA, "You weren't raised in a convent, you know." To which I replied, "HUH?!" Then she said while staring out the window, "Sometimes it's like you were." Sometimes if I wasn't in love with filmmaking I think I'd make a great nun or hermit.

Then went to Steven's although I sort of didn't feel like it. I just started Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card (borrowed from Elly), and I kind of wanted to keep reading it in bed with a cup of tea. But I went anyway in an attempt to be more sociable and less bookworm. I don't know why, but I wasn't really feeling it that night. Didn't want to drink or anything. Talk or anything. I just wanted to observe and listen. I'm kind of over alcohol consumption. I feel like I have to have a drink in my hand in order for others to think I'm sociable. If I don't have a drink, then I'm boring. Snob. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish alcohol wouldn't bring us together.

Am seeing Marty tonight at my favorite cinema. It's about these lonely people which is right up my alley.