first day of vacation!

Ah...the first day of vacation. I love the first day of a vacation because I can finally breathe, and there's all these possibilities, so much to look forward to. Had a lazy, loungy day today. Woke up to the sound of the carnival ride that's set up across the street. It's a bunch of cars on a track going around in a circle to "It's A Small World After All". It was so annoying. I can't believe that as a child, I'd probably go ape-shit for that stuff. All you do is go around in a circle.

Had to leave the apartment because I couldn't stand the music. Took my book (Around the World in Eighty Days) that I haven't finished to Jardin du Luxem. The fountain's frozen there! Every time a kid wanted to touch the ice with his foot, a gendarme would blow his whistle and give him a very stern look. It was funny. Finished off 4 chapters. Then met Nayo, and we had a crème (coffee and hot cream...my favorite) at Le Conti on St. André dès Arts where we had coffee before. Nayo wrote postcards, and I wrote in my Moleskine a list of things to do over the break:
-organize photos
-clean house, computer
-organize life
-write script
-archive blog
-read
-French homework, practice French
-figure out travel plans, ticket to go home in July

Doesn't sound like much of a vacation, but I guess I'd rather get all this stuff done. Dragged Nayo into this great papeterie (stationery store) that had all these cool notebooks and gifts. Will probably get my friends things there before I go home. That place was amazing. Had dinner with Susie at BIA. Then hung out at my place until Morgan came over then we went to the Aux 3 Escales to meet Kristin and her boyfriend who just came in from the bay area. He's spending his winter vacation with her. Good times.

In annoying news, the D on my keyboard isn't working well, I have to pound on it to get it to type, so typing is pretty annoying. Blurg. The laptoppy has been pretty good to me over the past 4 years, so I really shouldn't be complaining, but I lose my flow and concentration when I'm trying to type and this D is ruining everything. It's easier and faster to type when I know I've got a lot to say, and I don't want to lose it all, but now with this D problem...Argh.

not quite done...

For one of my classes, they've extended the first semester until February 7th. Ridiculous. I know two people who are switching to Nanterre because they can't take it anymore at St. Denis. I'm going to stick it out. It's just one more semester.

Went over to Nayo's in the 7th. She lives right by Le Bon Marché, which is like a Bloomingdale's. They had all these Christmas decorations, and everyone was carrying some sort of shopping bag. It was nice, all the hustle and bustle, even if I couldn't really identify with it in any way. Just felt like some sort of tourist in a Christmas theme park.

Accompanied Nayo to Monoprix which was absolute mayhem inside. She needed groceries, and we bought stuff to make dinner. This old lady in line for the register was complaining about how crazy it is in here, it was funny. She dropped her change, and I picked it up for her, and she said I was nice so that was cool. Took a pic of this dog waiting by the cash registers inside Monop'. Thought it was cute:Showed Nayo how her oven works and how to cook eggs. She usually eats out, but she now sees how much you can save by eating in. I actually spent almost 100 Euros less on food this month because I didn't eat out or I just generally ate less. This is good; it means more money for traveling. I'd like to go somewhere, even if I only get to go outside of this country once, just please let me go. I had these huge dreams of traveling to a bunch of places while I was here, but I didn't save enough (my spring semester dug a huge hole in my pocket since I spent a lot of money for my film production class). Learn from me kids, save your money! I'll be lucky to get out of this country once, even if it's to London to visit my cousin. I've been there before, but at least I can say I went somewhere outside France. Susie and Taylor are going to Denmark, and Sally's going to Egypt! Some people are also going to Amsterdam.

After eating at Nayo's, went to my place to hang out. We passed by Place Monge, and I told Nayo how the fountain's frozen over, so she wanted to see. She tested it, and actually cracked the ice with the heel of her shoe! I laughed and grabbed her, fearing her whole shoe would get drenched. This cute, tall businessman walked by and saw, and he laughed too. It was nice. We went to my favorite boulangerie and got something sweet to munch on. She got macaroons, and I got tuiles amandes, these crunchy, sweet cookies with almonds and loveliness baked into them. Had them with tea. Susie came over, and we all just hung out and dorked around with the computer.

the best day ever

Today has been the best day to point out all my inadequacies as a student and as a daughter. Have at me world, the day is almost over! What else do I suck at?

Daughter first. So, met my Aunt and Michelle this morning at Musee D'Orsay. Brought them pain au chocolat. Auntie asked me if I had anything for my Mom last night, and I had said no. She gave me this weird look. I said I was too busy thinking about this week and all my work due that I didn't do any shopping. Felt this huge guilt trip just from their reactions then said that I'd meet them tomorrow morning (today) and I'll get something for my Mom. This shop that I like ended up being closed (figures), so I didn't get anything. So when Auntie asks me this morning if I had anything, and I said no...I just felt like total crap. I mean, I was meaning to get something for people at the end of the year. And I don't really get my parents anything for Christmas anyway. I figure that once I have a steady job and am totally not dependent on them, then I can start giving them things and paying for things like my brother does. It's just this sort of unspoken rule: if you're a student, then you get off easy. Once you're employed that's when you start giving back.

And school...I just don't have an appetite for writing about it. It sucked. The end.

Got a texto (text message) from Kristin asking if I wanted to go to the Mayflower, and, at that moment, getting shitfaced just seemed so appealing, but I didn't do it. Instead I said I was going to go home, cook some food for me and Nayo (who was coming over anyway to hang out), and just chill. We got bread, cheese, and stuff to make omelettes. Susie, Taylor, and Aaron came by too and we watched episodes of "Freaks and Geeks". It was a good time. Wish crappy days like today didn't have to be so close to Christmas. Being at home with friends made it better though.

freezing, dinner with extended fam, package of lurve

It's cold here. Yup. Last night was at Sarah's in the 9th, and we were walking toward St. Lazare, and the water on the curb was frozen! Her and Steven were heading towards my place to go shopping, and we got off at Place Monge, and the water in the fountain was frozen too! And all the leaves were suspended in the ice, it was really neat.

I'm more than halfway done! We did our skit today in a "studio". There were two cameras, and my friend Elly was explaining to the technician how every scene was going down, and where the cameras should be, etc. The guy was super, super nice and funny. It's always nice to meet someone nice and helpful when it comes to all things cinema. He filmed us and did all the audio.

Was totally packed in the metro today. A nice looking businessman with short, cropped brown hair and wearing a nice leather jacket had his back pressed up against me. It's not his fault or anything, we were all pressed up against each other. My back was to the door, so that was okay, and it wasn't the door that opens at each station. He gave me a sympathetic look over his shoulder that seemed to say, "I'm really sorry". But it was nice. It felt like the beginning scene in Buster Keaton's The Cameraman when he's pressed up against the girl in that large crowd, and he just smells her because they're so close he can't help it. That sounds really pervy here, but you have to see it, it's just so beautiful and simple. Anyway, it felt like that. His jacket was soft, and he smelled nice. When people got off, he gave me room. And that was that.

Hung out with Nayo while I was waiting a call from Mom's friend. I call her Auntie Teth. Her and her daughter, Michelle, are here for two days and I wanted to take them out to dinner. Nayo and I had coffee in the St. Michel area, and I asked if I could hold her cigarette and take a picture of me looking really disgusting and in bad shape like that girl in Frantic or any sort of cocaine addict, and I think I succeeded. Don't worry! I'm no smoker. I love my lungs.Nayo and I were at the metro to head back to my place. She was feeling really crappy and wanted to just get some bread and cheese and just chill. I saw these girls across the way holding big art portfolios and they looked really cool. And, totally being myself and just wanting to be funny to make Nayo feel better, I said, "What if I just had one of those big portfolios for like my regular papers? And people would be all, 'Are you an artist?' And I'd say, 'No, I just like these folders', and then I'd open it up and there's something stupid in there like some script I wrote." I'm so happy that she got a laugh out of that because then it made me laugh, and I didn't feel all stupid for thinking these things. Then we both decided to forget going home and go to the St. Michel area to see how much these big folders cost.

After that--they're not that expensive--we got a beer at Shywawa with Melissa, Susie, and Nick. Then I met up with Aunti Teth and Michelle at their hotel. I took them to my place, and we had dinner up the street. Auntie had a salad and escargot, and Michelle and I had the beef fondue which was so bomb I'd have it again if I was ever craving beef. You cook beef in hot oil and there's all these sauces, and unlimited bread. I was so full at the end. I showed off my French skills which was really cool, but I felt like an idiot when they asked me what certain ingredients were and then I didn't know. Blurg. Then the waiter wouldn't give me the check because Auntie wanted it, and he obeyed her! Then he tried to drague her, asking her for her phone number and what hotel she's staying at! It was funny.

I just can't wait until I have the ability to buy people food and things. Really. Just being able to give gifts and take people to dinner. Having that will mean that I've fully succeeded in providing for myself and others. Having that means that I have some sort of financial stability. Blurg.

Auntie gave me a care package from my parents. Awesome. One of the best care packages EVER since I didn't know that it was coming. Mom only said, "I'm giving Auntie some things to give to you.":1. Hot cocoa (from Disneyland!!!)
2. Homemade beanie knit by Mom
3. turtleneck, sweater, button up from the 70s that Mom used to wear and now wants me to wear (it's so cute!).
4. Jake and Amir shirt I ordered that came with a sticker
5. Thrice's "The Alchemy Index" and Jimmy Eat World's "Chase This Light".

And lastly a message from Kuya so lovely that it almost can bring tears to my eyes. And it's written on pieces of cardboard! That is so Kuya! Or at least, that is so Figueroa-like. I love it.

honest to God truth

The truth hurts, I know. But I feel so crazy when I can't say "I miss you" back and really mean it. Christmas is getting closer, and I'm okay with the fact that I might be alone. I mean, I kind of wanted this, to experience this.

And I've always wanted to reach this detachment from people (albeit secretly, but now you know, dear reader). And now that I have it, was it really worth striving for? It only makes me feel less and less human when I don't miss people, things, places, food. Living like this makes me a better candidate for espionage and lone gunmen-type work. It feels cool to know this.

I apologize for the semi-philosophical rant. There's just so much occupying my mind, and yet there's space for this...I'd go on, but I don't want to upset people, especially my family, and this post might already upset them, but it's the truth. Just the feeling of missing people/things feels so negative to me. And I think I've just turned that act of missing into something positive, because I need positivity in my life. So, to me, "I miss you" is more like "I can't wait to see you again". Be it in 6 months or in the afterlife.

Lots happened today. But one thing that really, I mean, REALLY cheered me up today was seeing a graffiti stencil of Buster Keaton near Steven's place. It's on the bottom of the staircase where they filmed Elijah Wood's scenes in the Paris, Je T'aime short with him. Seeing his films here this past year has made him this ideal guy to me, which is really sad because he's (or his persona is) from the 1920s, and I'm here in 2007. It's just sad to have a crush on this guy (see pic) now. Really pathetic. Guys like him are pretty rare, and I'm extremely old-fashioned that I should really be back in the 1920s too. But seeing him graffitied there was pretty cool, gave me some hope. Will take a pic during vacation.Gosh, he's so funny, he totally makes my day.

sacrifices

I am missing out on my friend's Christmas party because I have to meet my group for our skit tonight. Effing sucks, but what can I do? This is the only time that all of us can meet. I can't wait for this week to be over.

One class down. Four more to go. Had class in the tiny office at Micefa again. I was sitting in front of one of the computers in a position so that my back was to the professor, and I could see everyone's bored, depressed faces. At one moment, I just wanted to burst out loud into laughter just to see what everyone would do. If I did it, I mean burst into laughter, then a least these people would have something to talk about later and forget what's making them look so damn sad. It's Christmas, look alive, people. Like I should talk, though, right? I swear, I'm going crazy.

After class, Romina and Lily and I were talking about the lakes being frozen, and I had asked what the ducks do when the lakes freeze over, and then it hit me that Holden Caulfield asked that same question to that cab driver. This is significant somehow...

Watched a trailer for my friend Brandon's film final, and it made laugh so much to see him working on what he loves. He sent me the link, which was really cool of him. I love it when people keep in contact with me. You can see it here:zombie feast It really made me miss school back home and working on set with my friends and being needed.

the cure

If anything can cure loneliness and sadness, it's the laughter of children. And Buster Keaton of course.

Went to the cinema to watch 3 short Buster Keaton films: The Goat, The Scarecrow, and The Paleface. Invited some friends, but no one showed up. No calls or anything except a message from Susie saying she can't come which was nice, you know? I waited outside for people 10 minutes before projection, and no one came. Oh well. I came really early and got my ticket and killed time at a bookstore down the street. Bought a good vocab book that's for French people learning English. It was cheap and looks really helpful. The cinema section of the bookstore was pretty cool too.

Sat by myself in the cinema, and then this family, a mom, dad, and a little boy, sat next to me. I remember the little boy because he answered one of the film trivia questions right at the last Buster Keaton showing. Too cute. The Dad told him to sit next to me, but he was shy so the Dad sat next to me. I'm really glad he did, because this Dad was such a huge dork! He was laughing as loud as the kids! And he had this really dorky laugh that's totally unexpected and unforgettable. It really made my day. He'd read the subtitles for his son and explained major plot points for him. Too lovely. There's something about hearing French whispered that's really hot.

An old lady who was by herself sat to the other side of me, and she was laughing really hard too. I felt like I had two versions of my future sitting beside me. I could end up an old lady who goes to see moving pictures alone. Or I could find a guy who's just as dorky as me and watch Buster Keaton movies with him. I prefer the dorky boy, but we'll see what happens.

Loads of schoolwork to do, but it was nice having a little movie break.