mardi 18 décembre 2007

honest to God truth

The truth hurts, I know. But I feel so crazy when I can't say "I miss you" back and really mean it. Christmas is getting closer, and I'm okay with the fact that I might be alone. I mean, I kind of wanted this, to experience this.

And I've always wanted to reach this detachment from people (albeit secretly, but now you know, dear reader). And now that I have it, was it really worth striving for? It only makes me feel less and less human when I don't miss people, things, places, food. Living like this makes me a better candidate for espionage and lone gunmen-type work. It feels cool to know this.

I apologize for the semi-philosophical rant. There's just so much occupying my mind, and yet there's space for this...I'd go on, but I don't want to upset people, especially my family, and this post might already upset them, but it's the truth. Just the feeling of missing people/things feels so negative to me. And I think I've just turned that act of missing into something positive, because I need positivity in my life. So, to me, "I miss you" is more like "I can't wait to see you again". Be it in 6 months or in the afterlife.

Lots happened today. But one thing that really, I mean, REALLY cheered me up today was seeing a graffiti stencil of Buster Keaton near Steven's place. It's on the bottom of the staircase where they filmed Elijah Wood's scenes in the Paris, Je T'aime short with him. Seeing his films here this past year has made him this ideal guy to me, which is really sad because he's (or his persona is) from the 1920s, and I'm here in 2007. It's just sad to have a crush on this guy (see pic) now. Really pathetic. Guys like him are pretty rare, and I'm extremely old-fashioned that I should really be back in the 1920s too. But seeing him graffitied there was pretty cool, gave me some hope. Will take a pic during vacation.Gosh, he's so funny, he totally makes my day.