jeudi 13 décembre 2007

indiependence, yeah! or: alone again, naturally

Went to the Mayflower last night and got compliments from friends about the new "hoodie". It's not even a hoodie, hence the quotes, because it doesn't have a hood, just this weird funnel neck that I love. And although it is H&M and mass produced, it is quite unique in that, as Nick said, it's not something that you'd find in the States. And I like that idea. Everyone was mentioning how annoying it is to see the same purse on everyone here and in the States. I know that when I first came here, I wanted to look the part because I didn't want to be labeled tourist or American, that I'd rather be mistaken as French. Now I don't want either. I just want to be me.

Felt sort of bad that we were kind of being loud at the bar. David, the awesome and lovely bartender, came by and told us to keep it down. Yikes. I'm naturally a quiet person, and I'm only loud in rare occasions, but I'm afraid that when I get back the States I'm going to feel like the volume's been turned up around me. David wasn't mad or anything, and when we left he blew us kisses from behind the bar.

Kuya asked me via Facebook why I changed my status from "Single" to "It's Complicated". Mainly because I like to mess with people. Naw, kidding. I just don't want to go out with anyone right now, and I know that guys (at least the wrong guys) won't bother when they see that. (Sidenote: One guy that I was interested in last year did ask me why this was my status and asked if I'd be single when I came back, but I found out he's got a girlfriend now. C'est la vie.) Anyway, It worked for me last year, and I'm sure it'll work again this year. So pretty much, "It's Complicated" means "Don't effing bug me, this is the most amazing time of my life, and I want to experience it by myself and/or with good friends" and the implied "Yes, I don't care if this increases my chance of being a cat lady or that fun, single aunt when I'm older".

Class did not happen today. Big surprise. Instead I got sucked into another French class since the secretary of the Foreign Language department suggested we just stay anyway for this other class which turned out to be really boring, yet informative, and this German Jim Halpert-ish kind of guy sat next to me and talked a lot, so that was cool.

Have been feeling really detached from the whole Christmas and holidays thing. And it's not because I don't have any decorations or anything. I have the one card from Edel up on my wall. I don't know..It's like I'm watching it all happen before me on the screen in a movie theatre, and I'm sitting in the audience. I'm on the metro every day, and I see these dads and moms, husbands and wives, young people carrying shopping bags of nice things to be wrapped. I see couples embracing and kissing on the quai while they wait for the next train or walking hand in hand down my street. And I'm happy that they're all enjoying this. The scary thing is that I'm not even sad about it, it just doesn't touch me anymore. I've learned to become really indifferent and detached to a lot of things since being here.

I once sent a message to my brother ending it with, "your assassin abroad, Elaine". And I did it as a joke, but I do feel like an assassin, being alone, trying to adapt, figuring out escape routes (I was doing that the whole time during today's class and then finally left partway through when the prof left to talk to someone). It's fun training, and I like playing the part and getting the experience. Also just watched Hitman, and Timothy Olyphant was pretty badass.