lundi 10 décembre 2007

feels like failure

Got my test back from last week and got a 10/20. In the States that's an F. And it certainly felt like an F, but here it's a C. It's passable. God, I hate that class. Was sitting in class feeling absolutely miserable. I experience in each class here what I used to experience on my worst days in cinema classes, which are very rare. You know, just one of those days when there's something else plaguing my mind and I'd rather be doing something else than discussing the male gaze. I can't even imagine the euphoria I'm going to feel when I'm back in my cinema classes, whether they're production or screenwriting. It's hard work, but at least I love it.

Was waiting at Montparnasse in the rain for Nayo, Sarah and Steven when this guy in his late 30s walked pass me, and he smiled at me in a nice, non-confrontational way and walked on. I didn't smile back. I turned that switch off a long time ago. I could feel my head trying to make the choice: smile back or don't, and it chose the latter. I usually look badass/pissed off when I'm alone in public so no one messes with me, but getting that smile on a rainy day from a stranger made me miss America a little bit. I'm used to walking down some random street in SF like Irving or something and smiling and making eye contact with at least one person. I'm afraid that when I go back to the States that friendliness I used to have will be replaced by the defensive skills I've developed in France.

Went to a Starbucks to hang out. Didn't get anything to drink. There were two separate tables each with at least one American sitting at them, and I could tell because they were the loudest people there. And it annoyed me so much that I could hear everything they were saying. Not just because I could understand it all, but they were so loud. And I wondered just how much more I'll be annoyed when I get back to the States and then I can hear everyone speaking. It makes my head spin.

Went to Nick's place in the 16th. We played on his Wii. It was my first time. It was fun, but I was still pretty down about my F. He's such a great host, putting out bread and cheese, making us drinks, cooking the mini pizzas we bought beforehand, and so forth. It's nice feeling welcome in someone's home, especially when you feel crappy.

There's going to be another metro strike on Wednesday. Unbelievable.

Copied Nayo and taped the x-ray of my chest to the wall. It actually looks pretty cool.