mercredi 28 mai 2008

understanding in a car crash

Like the new blog header? I find it hilarious because that sheet of paper is completely blank save for 2 words. It was this paper I was writing for History of Paris.

I'm feeling slightly better now. I'm just trying to get used to my life being a question mark. And that's okay. That's okay. It's going to be okay. I feel like going to batting cages right now, for some reason. I'm a little on edge.

Good day today despite being a little in my own world. Lunch with girls at L'As du Falafel in the Marais, only the best falafel place in Paris probably. Then off to a cafe to study. This time one by Melissa's work. The place was really super cute with lights in the ceiling that look like stars and comfy chairs. Much studying and talking was done. Then Kathy and I went to WH Smith because she needed a guide book for Italy. She's backpacking there by herself. Good for her! After walking around Paris for a while, met up with Melissa a couple hours later for another study cafe session, this time at the Barnum. That's when I had my "car crash" moment.

I must explain with backstory. Junior year of high school I got in a car crash going to class. It wasn't my fault, I was making a protected left turn and an airport van ran the red light and rammed into the right passenger side of my car. I saw it coming, but I was too late at reacting, in fact, I turned left more, like making a U-turn, hoping to avoid the crash, but it didn't happen.

Whenever stuff like this happens, I feel like I need to re-examine my life. Even though my life wasn't in danger and I wasn't hurt, I still felt like there was something wrong, that even at some subconscious level there was something I was overlooking. Yes, it was his fault that he hit me, that he wasn't paying attention, but this had to happen for some other reason. Maybe this happened because I wasn't paying attention to something in my life, not something that had to do with the car crash.

Anyway, another car crash moment, fast forward 5 years later. At Barnum, we got Cokes, and I was absentmindedly crushing my lemon with my spoon inside the glass with the Coke in it while Melissa and Kathy were talking, and I wasn't even paying attention. I was just crushing the lemon with one hand when the glass tips over, and I can see it all happening slowly just like the car crash 5 years before, and Coke spills all over the table. Kathy and Melissa react more quickly than I do, and I just watched it drip onto the floor. There weren't any napkins or anything. Kathy got some and the waiter was super sweet and cleaned it up, and I just sat there thinking, "What am I ignoring? What am I not paying attention to?" Maybe I'm looking too deep into things. They just joked and said I was a klutz. But I figured out what was wrong 5 years ago...Sometimes I think we need a little "car crash" to put things in perspective.

Anyway, if this all sounds too crazy, this episode of "The X-Files" written and directed by Gillian Anderson is all you need to kind of understand what this is like for me. My favorite 7th season episode, "all things".