mardi 27 mai 2008

second thoughts

Yesterday was a weird day. One of those fall/winter 2007 freakout days where I wondered where my life was going, and if this was what God really intended, and stupid crap like that that gives me an awful headache.

It's a sad and rainy day today. And there's a funeral outside. The bells haven't tolled yet, but the vehicle to carry the deceased is there with it's back door open. There's sunshine somewhere, and that's where I want to be. I'm getting party invitations from friends recently graduated from college and other notices across the interwebs, and it all makes me want to throw the laptoppy across the room.

Yesterday, I tried to figure out my fall class schedule if, worst case scenario, I can't get into any advanced production classes. I actually like the worst case scenario since I don't want to take advanced production classes. They cost loads of money, money that's been already spent here. And that's okay. If I had to choose between Paris for a year and a year of advanced production classes, developed film, camera rentals, and pizza for actors...I choose Paris.

The only really crappy thing is that for worse case scenario, which I will refer to as WCS, the number of units doesn't add up to what I need.'s possible that I won't graduate by next year. Maybe I'm making this worse than it really is, I'm just digging a bigger hole, why not, I'm already down here. Dig, dig, dig.

The good thing, the one, bright and hopeful star in this dark universe is that I haven't counted the cinema units I earned right here in Paris. I left that out, as part of the WCS. So there are 6 shiny star units off in the distance, just waiting to be counted.

God, this isn't supposed to be happening now. I already had my great big freakout last year, this shouldn't be a yearly thing. If anything, my great big freakout should be scheduled for this time NEXT year, you know, right in the middle of graduation, if that even happens.

And that's just the one problem I'm having. While at the laundromat watching my bedsheets spin in the dryer, I had my doubts about cinema. Just why, why, why, am I in love with something so unstable. Why can't I be a normal Filipino girl and do nursing or law. Why can't I be comfortable at home instead of being antsy and wanting to see the world. I spinned the whole thing around and then asked myself, why isn't anyone like me? Like us (Paris people, I'm talking to you)? Acting out on their true desires. I know far too many people who don't belong in the nursing field because their true ego lies in writing for people or designing clothes for them, and not administering their pain medication. But they do it anyway, they do it anyway.

This world is so crazy. Where's my Tylenol?