"none of us are really happy"

Was on the metro with Susie and Taylor when we were talking about whether or not we were happy. We tried to name people who we thought were happy, but we either couldn't name anyone or weren't sure if he/she was really happy. It can be really hard to tell. I named one person that I'm pretty sure is happy.

Listened to my Christmas playlist on the way to class. Christmas songs are kind of depressing. There's a line in "Winter Wonderland" that just scares me in the same way Robert Frost's "Stopping by Woods On a Snowy Evening" makes me think about death: "To face unafraid the plans that we made walking in a winter wonderland!" That line in bold just gets me every time. I can't remember the last time I faced something new unafraid. And if Sufjan Steven's "Count Thou Fount of Every Blessing" doesn't move you with just one tiny bit of sadness, then you are a robot.

Arrived at school, 9 in the morning, to find class was canceled. Great. I went home still listening to my Christmas playlist, skipping Adam Sandler's "Chanukah Song" and Guster's "Donde Esta Santa Claus" and heading straight for Elliott Smith's "Angel in the Snow". Why do I even put that lighthearted stuff in the list when I just want to fill my ears with somber winter songs?

Did laundry which cost too much, and my clothes aren't even dry enough. And I didn't want to pay more for the drying time. Then decided to get my Christmas present for myself. Something cheap and useful. I hate how shopping makes me feel better. It has become less of a therapy thing now when I'm trying to save money. Now, writing has replaced shopping. Plus, standing in the middle of a crowded H&M surrounded by people who all look the same I found myself saying in my head, "This no longer pleases me."

Found the perfect agenda, something great to start the new year right. A Moleskine limited edition weekly agenda. It's bright red instead of black. It's quite nice. I can't help but think about what I'll be writing in it next year: shoot schedules, film ideas, instructions for applications in final cut pro (I found some in my current Moleskine). It was endless, the possibilities.

I am happy, even if it's kind of displaced.