jeudi 11 octobre 2007

in a funk

While others (I'm not going to say who, it's rude) are having a hard time in their own ways, so am I, so am I. It's not all wine and roses and baguettes, folks. This is the hard truth. And I didn't think I was having such a hard time until I realized that I don't feel like studying hardcore or putting myself out there and taking risks. I know it's only the first week of school, but I'm already slacking. I'm writing in my blog; reading everything in English; I'm watching episodes of The Office on the interwebs; I'm, at the very least, just doing my homework and not going the extra mile to learn this amazing language. I want to go back to English. I want to understand and be understood and not look like a total idiot anymore just because I can't translate what I really want to say into French. I want to be back at San Francisco doing film. God, what was I thinking?

I shouldn't complain, really. The reason I'm here is because I have such awesome, amazing parents who are housing me, feeding me, paying for my education and yet they are thousands of miles away from home. They believe in me, they want this experience for me. God, I want to cry every time I spend money or when I see that Mom has deposited her hard earned money into my bank account. I am the reason she's working part-time. I swear, I'm not a spoiled brat, I'm not. I'm going to pay it back. Why else would I make spreadsheet of my spending? It might take me while, but I want to, God knows I want to. All these things are weighing on me, and for the life of me, I want to give up.

I don't understand how people can learn languages so easily. My parents speak English, Tagalog, and the dialects from their provinces. Jose Rizal spoke 22 languages, one of them French. Damn, if Jose Rizal can speak and write French and study in Paris, why can't I? Just this one language, just this one. I also want to learn Tagalog too. But this little thought in the back of my head doesn't want to focus on French anymore. It doesn't want to earn a degree in French. What is wrong with me? My parents are paying for this, and I'm throwing it away. My study abroad year has become my "live and find yourself changing your mind about things" year. God, they shouldn't have to pay for that.

I know, for sure, that I'm going to work in the film industry in some way when I'm done with school. That's what I want. But am I going to be speaking, writing, reading French? In California? I really don't know. I once contemplated being a translator or doing subtitles, but now thinking about it, I really just want to be on set. I don't want to be in front of a computer typing stuff.

It's been one of my freaking dreams to learn this language, and I can't help but let go of English. God, what's wrong with me?

2 commentaires:

Eli Edmundson a dit…

I only know one language, and I'm really sad about it. If you are making films you'll need subject matter and the struggles you are going through will inform the stories and will make you stronger in the face of adversity, or something. I'm sure knowing a second language pays dividends in many unexpected ways, as I can only imagine. Anyhow, none of my biz, and I'm sure you're just having a bad day, but I hope you stick it out! Good luck either way!

elaine a dit…

thank you so much!! i really appreciate it. i know i'm going to have bad days such as this, just a warning!